The Stick of Truth: A thief's story
by Demonlord5000
Summary: There's a new kid in South Park, and it isn't long before he's pulled into a war that has torn the lands of Zaron apart. He'll make friends, enemies, and learn of the past he has long forgotten.
1. Enter Zack

_Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive, as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls, as the humans beg their king to save them; a noble king, known only, as the Grand Wizard._

_For a thousand years, the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Grand Wizard is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attack._

_They seek the human's most sacred relic: The Stick of Truth._

_But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "New kid" spread throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand wizard must get to the new kid, before the Drow Elves can manipulate his mind, and use him, to take the sacred relic from human hands._

_For whomever controls the Stick… Controls the universe._

* * *

The sun rose in the quiet little mountain town known as South Park, telling it's sleeping people that a new day had begun. A moving truck pulled up to a red house. In front of the house was a sign, telling passerby the house had just recently been bought. A man and woman came out of the house and helped the two workers load the boxes in. The woman had long, wavy, jet black hair, wore a red shirt, and blue jeans. The man, her husband, had spiky red hair, a green blazer, and khakis. Both of them had tan skin, and blue eyes. Soon, every box had been brought inside, prompting the workers to leave.

"Well, I think that's everything." The man said, setting down his box.

"We did it hon, we're really moved in!" The woman exclaimed as she embraced her husband.

"It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!"

"Do you really think it will be better for… Him?" She asked, jerking her head towards the second floor. Her husband sighed.

"They won't look for him here, we just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how he's doing." The two walked upstairs, to one of the bedroom doors.

"Sweetie?" The woman said, knocking. "Hon, you all dressed?" after a moment of silence she opened the door and the two walked in.

"Hey champ, how do you like your new room?" The man asked. Standing near the bed was a 10 year old boy. He wore a green coat, blue track pants, blue gloves, and had dirty blonde hair that was style into a Mohawk.. He looked around the room, then at his parents, saying nothing. He frowned and pointed to a box which contained a physically damaged PS4. "Oh… guess the moving company wasn't as careful with the boxes as we thought… Don't worry champ, we'll buy you a new one when we go to the store later today. Now son, I know it's a big change for all of us, but… Do you… _Remember _why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" The boy looked at them for a moment, then shook his head. "He doesn't remember!" The man whispered to his wife.

"He doesn't remember at all!" The woman whispered back.

"I can hear you!" The boy interrupted, frowning again. The two jumped, as if they forget he was even there.

"Uh sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?" His mother said.

"Yeah." His dad answered. "Go outside and play son. Like… Like _normal _kids."

"What's that supposed to mean!?" The kid asked, getting aggravated.

"I've got some money for you on the kitchen counter sweetie." The woman said quickly. "Just, be back before it gets dark."

"Can't I just stay inside and play Dead Rising 3?"

"…Yeah, we love you too." His dad said in annoyance. The two turned and walked away. The boy sighed in annoyance. He walked over to his closet and opened it to reveal a red Terrance and Phillip backpack. He opened it and pulled out a few quarters and some baseball cards. He then reached into the closet and pulled out a shoulder pack, which he put the cards into before walking up to his goldfish. "Guess I'll see you later Goldie." He walked downstairs and into the kitchen and grabbed the money off of the counter. He walked into the living room where his dad was reading a book. The boy saw his Xbox one next to the TV. Deciding to be a dick about it, he moved towards it. His father looked up and saw him moving towards the Xbox.

"It wasn't a request, it was a _command!_" His father snapped, his anger rising. The boy jumped and ran out the front door. He closed the door behind him and looked left and right. For some reason, the right side of the street was blocked off. The boy sighed and walked down the other side. Maybe he could make some friends while he was out here.

"You shall die by my war hammer Drow Elf!" A voice called. The boy raised an eyebrow as he noticed a blonde kid in blue robes and holding a hammer was battling a kid dressed as an elf.

"Nu uh!" The elf snapped, swinging a makeshift wooden sword.

"I banish thee to the forest realm!" The blonde kid exclaimed, swinging his hammer, which the elf blocked.

"No way, I banished you first!" The elf snapped. He swung his sword and the hammer flew out of the blonde kid's hand, hitting the sidewalk with a bang. "Ah ha! You can't hold out much longer!"

"HELP! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer!" The blonde kid repeated. "HELP!" He screamed as the elf knocked him to the ground and started hitting him repeatedly. The boy sighed and walked up. He swung out and hit the elf on the back of the head. The elf yelped, jumped up, and turned to face him.

"Hey no fair! That's cheating! I'm gonna tell my mom!" The elf yelled as he ran. The boy rolled his eyes, having expected the elf to fight back. _"What a pussy." _The boy thought. The blonde boy stood up and picked up his hammer.

"Hey, thanks kid, I didn't realize he had a health potion. My name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!" The boy said with a smile. He pulled out his phone, and the new kid suddenly had a friend request from the boy.

"Uh… I didn't even tell you my name, how could you have sent me this?" The kid said as he accepted the friend request.

"I really don't know. But now that we're friends, you should speak to the Grand Wizard."

"_Grand Wizard? Is this Dungeons and Dragons or something?" _The kid thought. Butters took a few steps then turned to the boy.

"The wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there!" The boy shrugged and followed. Butters began asking questions, like where the boy lived before and how he liked Colorado. "Why you wearing your hair like that?" The boy grabbed Butters by the collar and yanked him over.

"The fuck's wrong with my hair?" The boy asked in a threatening tone.

"N-nothing." Butters whimpered. The boy let go of him and Butters led him up to a green house. He knocked a few times and the door was answered by the fattest thing the boy had ever seen. The fat kid wore red robes, a blue wizard hat with a smiling face sown on, and carried a long stick that he seemed to be using as a staff.

"All hail the Grand Wizard!" Butters shouted.

"So, you are the new kid?" The Grand Wizard asked. "Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker." The boy raised an eyebrow. "I am the Wizard King, but the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you the kingdom." The boy sighed and followed him and Butters inside, where a brown haired woman sat on the couch texting.

"Oh, who's your new friend Eric?"

"Shut up mom, not now." Eric snapped. The boy frowned. He literally just met this kid, and after seeing him talk to his mom like that, he already wanted to kick his ass. Eric led him out the backdoor, and into a makeshift kingdom. "Welcome, to the kingdom of Kupa Keep!" The Grand wizard exclaimed. "Our weapons shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior." He said, noting a boy in a red coat, and wearing a metal helmet. "Our massive stables are tended to by the level 9 ranger, Scott Malkinson." Eric said, pointing to a boy with brown hair and a green coat, who was petting a cat. "He has the power of diabetes."

"It's both a gift, and a curse, but mostly a curse." Scott said.

"Dammit Scott! I told you not to talk off script! Just for that, your diabetic ass isn't getting any snacks today!" The Grand Wizard snapped. Scott looked down sadly. Now the new kid _really _wanted to kick his fat ass! "And this is breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny." The wizard said, pointing to a boy in an orange parka. The boy was wearing a dress and a blonde wig. The boy raised an eyebrow. "The fairest maiden in all the land." The wizard continued. He leaned closer to the new kid. "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now." The new kid shrugged. "Now, you have been sought out new kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger! I know you must be very excited, but first, tell us thy name." The wizard gave him a pen and a piece of paper with everyone else's names on it. The boy sighed and wrote his name before handing it back. The wizard looked at it and grinned evilly.

"You wrote, Douchebag, right?" The new kid frowned in annoyance.

"No dickface, it says Zack!"

"Are you sure you want to keep the name, Douchebag?" Zack could feel his anger rising.

"No dumbass, I just told you my name is Zack!"

"Very well Douchebag!" If the wizard had not continued talking, Zack would have broken his jaw then and there. "Before we go on, you must choose a class." He made a motion towards Butters, who laid out four blue coats with accessories. Zack just shrugged and walked up to one set. "A fighter has courage, honor, and the ability to kick fucking ass!" The wizard said. Zack shrugged and walked to another set. "A mage is like a wizard, only not as cool." Zack didn't want to be anything even remotely close what that fatass was, so he walked to another set. "You look sneaky enough to be a thief." Zack just shrugged again and walked up to the last set. "A Jew from New Jersey?" Cartman joked, starring at Zack's tan skin. "So your basically Kyle's mom? Cool." Zack had no idea who Kyle was. He reached toward the Jew armor. "I guess we'll never really be friends then." Cartman groaned. Zack pulled his arm away and glared at the fat kid.

"There's nothing wrong with Jews you fat fuck!" Cartman starred at him, a little pissed. Zack looked at the armor sets carefully. Then he ran up and grabbed the thief armor. As soon as he put them on, Cartman called out to everyone.

"We welcome to our kingdom, Douchebag the Thief!"

"Hooray!" Butters cried, only to jump back in fear at the glare Zack gave him.

"Now," Cartman continued. "Go to the weapons shop and procure yourself a weapon, so that we may teach you to fight." Zack frowned and instead walked up to Princess Kenny. The princess looked up and said something to him. Zack could barely understand her, but he got that she was asking for a flower. Zack looked over and grabbed a flower sitting a few yards away. He gave it to the princess, who thanked him, (At least, that's what he got.) And sent him a friend request.

"Dammit Douchebag! Quit stalling and get a damn weapon!" Cartman snapped. Zack rolled his eyes and walked over to Clyde.


	2. Clyde sucks at fighting

"Would you like to see my wares weary traveler?" Clyde asked as Zack approached. "Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?" Zack shrugged.

"Ah what the hell, no harm in tips and rumors." He handed Clyde the money.

"Don't waste your money on tips and rumors."

5 SECONDS LATER.

"Here take your money back!" Clyde shrieked as he cowered at the table.

"Good, now give me a weapon." Clyde reached into a box, shaking. He pulled out a small wooden dagger and handed it to Zack. The boy took a few test swings as Cartman walked up.

"Ah, you have procured a weapon, nice. Now it is time to teach you to fight. Now, I want you to take your weapon and, with the bravery of a noble knight… Beat up Clyde."

"What!?" Clyde said in disbelief.

"Kick Clyde's ass new kid."

"What'd I do!?"

"I'm the king Clyde! And the king wishes to be amused! Go on new kid, kick his ass!" Zack shrugged and followed Clyde to what was apparently Cartman's arena. The two stood apart as Clyde brandished his curved wooden sword.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Clyde, you have to wait your turn!" Cartman snapped as he stood in front of the tent that made up his castle.

"That's lame." Clyde deadpanned.

"No Clyde it's like the middle ages!"

"I don't think this type of fighting really existed back then." Zack interrupted.

"Nobody asked you Douchebag! Just fucking fight!" Zack shrugged as Clyde took up a defensive stance. Zack charged forward. He swung out several times, mostly hitting Clyde's sword before he went back to his original position.

"Oh hell yeah, Clyde's your bitch!" Cartman called. "Alright Douchebag, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can!" Zack ran forward as Clyde retook his defensive position. He leapt into the air, doing a spin in the opposite direction, nailing Clyde in the face.

"OW!"

"Oh shit dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice brah! Exactly what you do to guys with armor like that!" Cartman cheered. Zack saw that Clyde's nose was gushing out blood. "Now, the key to winning in battle is not to get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack, Douchebag, protect your balls!"

"Prepare yourself!" Clyde shouted as he charged forward. He swung out, and Zack barely managed to block it.

"YEAH! That's what I'm talking about! Dude you're already way better then Clyde! Now, it's time to use your heroic powers!"

"Heroic… DUDE!" He just barely managed to catch the stiletto Cartman threw him. Cartman also threw a bag of smoke bombs. Zack looked at Clyde, and an evil grin grew on his face. He activated a smoke bomb, sending Clyde into a coughing fit. With a quick roll, Zack was behind Clyde as the boy straightened up.

"Where'd he go!?" Zack ran up behind Clyde with the stiletto raised.

"BACKSTAB!" Zack shouted as he jabbed Clyde in the back with the stiletto.

"OOOWWW!" Clyde shrieked as he clutched his bleeding skin.

"Awesome dude!" Cartman shouted. "Now do it one more time! Finish him!"

"What? I was going easy! Take this!" Clyde shouted as he charged forward. Zack blocked his attack once more, then charged toward him and smacked him to the ground with his dagger, leaving him a crying heap on the ground.

"_Jesus what a freakin baby!" _Zack thought. Cartman burst out laughing.

"Dude! That was awesome! You were all like "Bam!" And Clyde was all like "Agh! No!" Ha ha! That was sweet. OK! You've proved yourself worthy Douchebag, now come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic." Zack shrugged and followed Cartman inside the tent as Clyde crawled back to the weapons shop.


	3. Defend the keep!

"Here it is Douchebag." Cartman said as he dragged the boy into the tent. "The reason humans and elves are locked in a never ending war. The Stick of Truth." Zack stared at a podium, on top of which was a simple stick. Zack stared at Cartman, as if expecting the fat kid to say "April fools!" or something.

"Y-you're joking right? That's it?"

"Don't gaze at it too long!" Cartman said suddenly. "For it's power is too much for a mere mortal to gaze at!"

"It's a _stick!_" Cartman sighed in annoyance.

"Now that you have seen the relic, let us discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible."

"Wait wait wait! I have to _pay _just to play this damn game!? Hell no!" Before Cartman could open his mouth to retaliate, the sound of screaming reached their ears.

"Alarm! Alarm!"

"Someone has sounded the alarm!" Cartman yelled. Butters ran into the tent at that moment.

"ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!"

"What is it!?"

"The elves are attacking!" At this Cartman became frantic.

"Oh my god! Defensive positions!" Zack shrugged and followed the fat kid outside the tent. "Man the gates! DON'T LET THEM THROUGH!"

"Give us the stick humans!" An elf yelled from outside the open gates. Behind him was a small army of elves.

"Fuck you Drow Elves! Come and get it!" Cartman taunted. "Clyde! Guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye aye!" Clyde saluted as he ran into the tent.

"Aye aye?" Cartman asked as he glared at the boy. "We're not playing pirates Clyde!" He turned to Zack. "This is your chance Douchebag! Hold off the asshole elves at all cost!" Zack pulled out his dagger and ran to an elf that was beating the crap out of Butters. "Butters you're losing!" Cartman shouted. "Stop LOSING!"

"But I don't wanna make 'em feel bad!" Butters whined. Zack turned and saw that Cartman was just standing at the entrance to the tent, doing absolutely nothing.

"_Fucking lazy fatass!" _Zack thought as he whacked the elf attacking Butters in the back of the head. He quickly noticed, to his own amusement, that it was the same elf that was attacking Butters earlier.

"OW!" The elf turned. "Will you _please _stop doing that!?" The elf drew his sword as another elf came up holding a bow and arrow. The sword elf charged forward and swung out. Zack blocked his attacks with force and the elf lost his balance, falling to the ground. As the elf tried to stand, Zack swung his dagger upward, nailing the elf in the groin. The elf shrieked in pain as he held his crotch. Zack took this opportunity to charge at the bow wielding elf, who dropped his weapon and ammo and ran in fright.

"_Maybe that one's a relative of Clyde." _Zack thought with a laugh as he picked up the bow and arrow. He used it to snipe two elves that were attacking Scott.

"Come on kitty fight back! That's a bad kitty!"

"_The fuck?" _Zack turned to see two elves attacking Cartman's cat. _"Now that's just animal cruelty." _Zack ran to the two elves, shoving one down painfully. The elf he shoved down groaned and stood up, running behind the other elf who held his sword straight out. Zack charged at the elf in front, but the elf smacked him with his sword before Zack could even do anything.

"HAHA!" Cartman laughed. "He was totally waiting for you dude, you can't just hit him like that! You need to try a different attack to damage him!" Zack pulled out his bow and arrow and, with a dark grin, sniped the elf in the back. The one in front turned to see what had happened. Zack hastily pulled out his stiletto and charged forward, jabbing the elf in the back.

"OWW! MOMMY!" The elf cried as he ran.

"Drow elves!" The leader elf suddenly cried. "Fall back! Fall back I say!"

"YEAH! Awesome dude!" Cartman yelled as the elves retreated. "Take that ya asshole elves! Better luck next time! Nah nah nah nah nah nah! We still control the universe!" Cartman added a little dance to his taunting. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Clyde walked up, looking solemn. _"I have a bad feeling about this."_

"It's gone." Clyde said simply. _"Bad feeling confirmed." _Cartman stopped dancing as everyone stared at Clyde.

"What?"

"The Stick of Truth, the elves got it."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMN JOB CLYDE!" Cartman exploded. "TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!"

"Dude," Zack began. "What the hell were you doing in there? Looking at playboy!?"

"Uh…Noooo…" Clyde said shakily as he stuffed a playboy into his bag.

"Clyde," Cartman began in a surprisingly calm tone. "You are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

"What!? No!" Clyde yelled. "You can't do that!"

"Yeah I can!" Cartman retorted. "You're banished, and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah, go home Clyde!" Butters yelled. Clyde stormed out of the yard, looking _severely _pissed.

"Douchebag, you fought bravely." Cartman told Zack.

"Yeah!" Scott piped up. "The new kid may be a Douchebag, but he sure can fight!"

"Shut up Scott, no one cares what you think!' Cartman said as he walked toward the tent. Zack walked up to a dejected looking Scott.

"Don't listen to him Scott." Zack said as he patted the boy on the back. "I care what you think."

"Thanks new kid." Scott said with a smile. Zack made sure Cartman wasn't looking, and hastily gave Scott a granola bar he had been carrying. Zack walked up to the tent as Cartman came back out.

"Douchebag, the Stick of Truth has been, and we must assemble our entire army to get it back!"

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty my lord!" Butters squeaked.

"Our newest member can take care of that!"

"Say what now?" Zack asked as Cartman turned to him.

"Douchebag, go out and retrieve my three greatest warrior, Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am sending their pictures to your personal inventory device now!"

"Wait, did you give him my fucking number Butters!?" The blonde boy just retreated to a corner.

"Beware Douchebag, the lands outside are full of marauding Drow elves, monsters, sixth grader and, worst off all, the Dragon's Guild!"

"Wait, what's the-." Cartman cut him off.

"Don't fail me Douchebag." The fat kid turned to walk back to the tent. "Butters, go with him!" Butters shakily walked back to Zack, looking scared of the new kid.


	4. Maiden in Peril

Zack led the shaking paladin out of Cartman's house, glad to get away from the fat fuck.

"We aren't allowed to go in the street." Butters said as they walked out the front door. "It's such an open world our parents don't want us getting hurt."

"Whatever dude, let's just find these three warriors." Zack answered as he led Butters down the street, using his dagger to break the barrier that stood there. A little way down Butter's stopped and stared at a snowman with a red scarf.

"I don't remember that bein' there." Zack looked at the snowman carefully. After a few moments he took out his dagger and shoved it into the snowman.

"OWW!" Four elves burst out of the snowman, one of whom ran off in the opposite direction of town, holding his side as if in pain. The other three stared at Zack for a moment, then on in an orange coat snickered.

"Nice hair Douchebag." Zack grabbed his shirt collar and yanked him forward.

"You making fun of my hair!?"

"N-no."

"Good!" Zack shoved the elf to the ground. He stood up for a moment, then ran off crying, the other two followed suit. "Come on Butters." Zack led Butters the rest of the way in town, and after a half an hour of aimless wandering, Butters spoke up.

"M-maybe we should head on over too Tweak Bros Coffee to get Tweak. It's down that way." Butters said, pointing in the opposite direction Zack had been walking for the last 30 minutes. Zack's face contorted to rage, and he grabbed Butter's shirt forcefully.

"Why didn't you fucking say something half an hour ago!?"

"I-I thought you knew the way!" Butter's squeaked in fright.

"NO I DON'T KNOW THE FUCKING WAY!" Zack exploded. "THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVEN BEEN TO THIS PART OF TOWN! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THINK I KNOW MY OWN WAY!?"

"Uh…. Cause…. I don't know." Zack was just about to ram his dagger right down the blonde boy's throat when something caught his eyes. Right in front of town hall were for girls, one was about Zack's age. She had curly blonde hair, and wore a brown coat black pants, and black shoes. What really caught Zack's attention was her eyes. They were a stunning sapphire. Funny enough, Zack's favorite color was sapphire. This girl was beautiful, pretty much a goddess in Zack's eyes. The three older girls were throwing something between themselves, as if trying to keep it away from the blonde girl.

"Give it back! Give it back!" The blonde screamed as she tried to reclaim her toy.

"Why don't you make us?" One of the older girls snarled."

"That's my Justin Bieber toy!"

"Not anymore it's not!" A girl in a hoodie taunted. Zack felt his rage grow. He charged forward and jabbed his dagger into one of the girl's sides. She recoiled in pain as she and her colleagues turned to face him.

"Who the hell is this!?"

"The kid that's gonna kick your asses!" Zack snapped.

"Beat it kid, if you know what's good for you!"

"Is that what the guy who gave you all herpes said at first?" All three of the girls were enraged at this taunt. The one in the hoodie charged forward, only for Zack to jab his dagger into her eye. She shrieked in pain before Zack delivered a spinning kick to the head. Another girl charged forward, but Zack through a smoke bomb and, through the thick cloud, leapt onto the girl's back.

"I got him!" A third girl shouted as she charged forward and threw out a punch. Zack jumped off the girl, causing her to get punched instead. He ran behind the third girl and backstabbed her. The three girls stood up and ran, all three of them crying.

"You like beating up on girls!?" One of them shouted. Zack bent down and picked up the Justine Bieber toy, before handing it to the girl.

"Oh, I hope they didn't break it!" The girl sighed. She pulled the string and the toy began to vibrate. She smiled and let out a breath of relief. Zack blushed at how cute she was being. "Hey thanks kid, I owe you one. What's your name?"

"Uh…Z-Zack." The boy stuttered.

"Well, thanks anyway Zack. I'm Annie."


End file.
